When you and your husband fell in love, it probably felt like all your dreams came true.
Everything you thought it would feel like at the time he told you he cherished you and felt closer to you than anyone else in his world is probably a memory you will forever hold on to.
It is something special when you can give away your heart to the man you love and trust. Love is knowing that you are part of something bigger than yourself. It is knowing that your husband will keep you safe and be there for you when you really need it.
Being loved by a husband is more than what you can explain or comprehend.
And likewise, the feelings you derive from your husband receiving your gift of love and responding in kind is divine.
So it is understandable how one can feel crushed when that loving feeling begins to go into decline.
Has Your Husband Withdrawn His Love?
When love leaves your life…when you come to believe your husband is falling out of love with you, it is a feeling that leaves you in utter despair.
So high up the ladder of happiness we climb when someone we love tells us and shows us how much they care about every aspect of our being.
It is something many women dream of attaining, that deep unwavering commitment of a lover’s embrace and those precious words of assurance.
So when you get even the least bit of an inkling that your husband or boyfriend is withholding his deepest of affection or pulling away from those feelings he shared with you once before, a sense of deep hurt, even panic can take a hold of you.
By the way, let me point you to a post I wrote recently about husbands who start to act differently around you. It might just crack the code about what is really go on with your husband.
One of my clients, Sally, shared her story of a lover’s climb up the tender ladder of ecstasy and her fall from those lofty heights when her husband told her that he did not think her loved her in the same way anymore.
“It was a crushing feeling when my husband dropped the “he does not love me” bomb on me. It all happened 8 months ago. We had been fighting and he just blurted it out. I know part of him didn’t mean it, but I can’t help but wonder if he really meant it and what might be brewing under the surface. He isn’t the type of man that shows his real feelings very often. Later that week I brought it up again and asked him why he said it and if he really was feeling differently toward me. That is when my world started spinning. My husband started to tell me that he has not felt the same about me for years and that he thought we were in a deep rut. He told me the deep affection, even the fondness he use to feel for me was missing and that he was thinking of divorcing me. I couldn’t believe me ears. I was stunned and didn’t know what to say to him as he sat there just telling me he feels nothing for me and that it has been that way for a good while. I didn’t even know where to begin in responding to him and he seemed relieved to get it off his chest. Can you love someone and then it just comes to an end? Where does all the tenderness go? How is it that only a few short years ago he seemed infatuated with everything I did, yet now I am barely even in his thoughts? My husband kept telling me that he thinks he is different from other people and that I really didn’t do much of anything wrong, but he has to follow his feelings and I must accept it. I am sorry Chris, but I can’t accept such selfishness. The feeling of being rejected and stunned by my husband’s revelation has turned to hate. I confess I may have overreacted. I ran him out of my house and told him I am so glad we never had babies together. I know I went overboard by flying into a hateful rage, but the nerve of that man still haunts me and I am not sure if I want to trust men anymore.
Over time I convinced Sally that she would meet another and could learn to trust again. Most everyone is subject to a bad, even horrible experience with a man. Relationships seldom turn out to be what you imagined they would be.
It is the nature of both men and women to explore, even struggle in order to find their way into relationships that work for them. If you are a lucky one, you will choose wisely and work to make things work even better. But do not feel any less if your relationship with a boyfriend or husband turns sour. It is in many ways part of our journey through life.
Unfortunately, it is sometimes not your choosing to find yourself out of a relationship, from a man you met that got cold feet or just wasn’t right for you.
So does that mean we are destined to possibly lose our husband’s love?
Are our odds of making love stick no better than 50/50?
Is marriage balanced on a precarious tipping point in which your husband could wake up any day and decide you are not for him?
My answer is that while the future, particularly when it comes to romance, love, and attachment is nearly impossible to predict or rely upon, the beauty and fulfillment that comes with giving and receiving love is far too valuable to give up on.
There will be challenges to even the best of marriages and when we speak of “love”, whatever you might think, just trust that it is an invisible force that neither comes quickly into your life and nor does it rapidly steal away.
What Happened To Your Husband’s Devotion and Tenderness?
What kind of man marries you, then wakes up one day and tells you that he doesn’t love you or is NOT in love with you.
It seems horribly unfair to learn the dreaded truth of what your husband may have secretly held away from you all those many months or years.
But can you trust what he says? Does he really know what his true feelings are? Does he even know what love truly is? Or is he chasing some foolish emotional filled delusion and has lost sight of what he already has going for him.
It is a difficult thing to talk about because the whole notion of love is such a debatable topic. When we speak of your husband loving you or not, are we talking of a physical love?
Has the sex life between the two of you waned to such an extent that your husband has foolishly concluded he just doesn’t feel it anymore for you?
Or are we talking about love as may be measured by our emotional intelligence?
Does your husband think that he no longer feels love for you because time has passed and his needs have changed and he doesn’t feel as connected or attached?
All of these things sound scary, even awful if you think that it might be happening to you.
Just thinking of your husband no longer being in love with you and making you twist in the wind as you try to do everything to please him is exhausting.
But if there is one thing we can be sure of, it is that love is not such a pliable thing. It doesn’t just come into your life, then vanish overnight.
So while our feelings for our spouse can change over time and we can come to appreciate our lover with greater fondness or with lesser appreciation, love is much more often a fixture in the relationship.
It is not moved easily once it gains traction.
Where Has All The Love Gone To?
I have had many question over the years from my clients about their husband’s lack of love or his unwillingness to shower kindness.
Many women seek me out to try to piece together what has happened in their marriage to cause their boyfriend or husband, the love of their life, to withdraw his affection or worse, offer it to another woman.
These women want to know what they can do to get him back. You, along with many other women, may not be ready to let your husband’s love slip away. You may be motivated to do everything you can think of to stop his love from sliding out of your life.
You may want to now what you can do to make your husband fall back in love with you so that things can get back to normal. The thought of going another day without feeling he thinks of you as his Princess, the one he cannot do without, may have paralyzed you from enjoying life.
And it is not just the sense of feeling wanted or part of something that is bigger than yourself. Your own physical needs may be crying out to be fulfilled. So how do you make your husband want you sexually again if you think his heart has gone empty for you?
Clearly these two things, love and sex, are very different.
But they share a common place in most people’s mind. One is not easily given up without the willingness to share the other. You want to be able to keep your husband interested in you. More than that, you would be thrilled to learn how to make your husband love you madly.
You reason, perhaps I can get him to realize how he feels about me if I manipulate my husband’s thoughts. So you might be thinking of how to make your husband jealous. After all, he once found you incredibly attractive. And that probably hasn’t changed a lot if you know how to dial it back in. He married you or if it is your boyfriend we are talking about, he made a commitment to be with you. You have a lot more leverage than you realize.
So you reason that there still must be something underneath your husband’s needs and desires that you can penetrate and turn to your advantage. And you wouldn’t be wrong.
If your man has been lured away by another woman, you might be wondering how to make your husband love you again after he cheated. Of course that would not be the first of thoughts that plow through your mind if you catch your husband cheating on you.
But at some point in the aftermath of an affair being discovered and the two of you seeking to work through this painful episode in your life, it would not be unusual for you to question if whether your husband’s love for you has disappeared.
If you find yourself in this situation, just know that rarely does a husband love you less just because he made a terrible decision to be with another woman. Other factors are usually drivers of his behavior to cheat.
One should not confuse love with attraction or lust.
While these things operate in our mind together at times, attraction and lust can wax and wane by small and large degrees.
Love on the other hand is more of a constant once it forms a place in our heart. It is not easily attained and it is not easily lost.
So if you come to believe that your husband is falling out of love with you or that this amazing feeling of connection the two of you share is being broken for good, you are probably wrong. Even if he insists this is so, it is more likely your husband doesn’t truly know his heart.
When cupid strikes, this phenomenon that pulled your hearts together is very likely still ever-present in your husband.
It may seem like your marriage is going down the drain and that your husband has given up on you, but I say, “not so fast”.
Don’t confuse hardships and setbacks (however serious they may be) as telltale signs that your marriage or relationship is on the chopping block.
Don’t believe that it is a forgone conclusion that your husband’s declaration that he doesn’t feel the same way about you is a sign of the exodus of love.
This magical feeling that arose in your life was a gift not offered up lightly.
In return, you reciprocated and shared with your husband the love you have in your heart for him. Love is that which keeps you and your man attached. And it is not easily swayed to leave your life, despite how things might look like on the surface.
Remember that. Don’t be too quick to conclude that your husband’s true affection for you has been abandoned.
We all go through cycles in which we think we know and feel that which is true. This could be what is going on with your husband. These short term periods in which we think we have it all together and are truly connected with our feelings can mislead us.
It often takes longer to truly know the face of love. Time is almost always the final arbitrator about such things.
Helping Him Discover His Dearest Wife
As I have argued, I think it is rare that love just runs away from you, never to be seen again.
But can this special feeling, this force of life long attachment fray at the edges? Can love in every form it takes begin to lose its luster?
Can the man you feel so close to in every respect begin to question his own emotional commitment to you?
The answer is yes to all those questions. So what can you do to turn things around? What is it that you can put into motion that will arrest the slide and turn it around so that your husband feels the same way for you as he did when he slipped the ring on your finger?
Sometimes we think we can make a difference if we do something big and splashy.
Falling in love was sort of like that (we think). That was what it may have felt like to you when you look back on your early formative experiences with your husband.
These memories of love gushing into your life and making you realize that you have finally found the man you have dreamed of can have a powerful effect on our perception.
So some of the women I have worked with naturally believe that they must do something big and thunderous to awaken their husband’s embers of love which no longer burn as bright.
They think in terms of big acts to get their spouse’s attention.
Perhaps making big gestures or some kind of highly visible and emotional proclamations, showering their husband with assurances that you love him more than anyone could love another.
But sometimes lost in all of these memories is the truth.
We think back to the past and remember that which we think is true. But sometimes, particularly when it comes to how love enters into our lives, we forget what actually transpired.
It is easy to remember the first kiss. Your husband’s love for you seems rampant at that time, exploding into your life.
You remember making sweet and tender love with your husband. The sex the two of you have for the first time and those other times in those early days color your memory with a powerful reminder of just what love looks and feels like.
And can a woman ever forget the day her husband proposed to her and wedded her?
As memorable and beautiful these thing all are, they actually are big events in your life and stand out because of the impact they had on you.
The flow of neurotransmitters (love’s chemicals of the brain) were coursing through you at that time in unprecedented levels. It was like the engine of love was being fed a powerful cocktail of fuel and you both consumed it with gusto.
But your husband’s love for you did not form and take its full shape on the basis of a half-dozen big events that the two of you shared. Sure, there is no doubt all these things help with cementing the love that came to be.
But it is the thousands of little things you said and did to and with each other that formed the framework and filled in all the voids. To renew and rejuvenate your husband’s love for you, it necessary to do all the things that make a marriage purr and operate efficiently.
Again, using the analogy of love as an “engine” unto itself, you will want to take a look at the bigger picture of how this engine operates and what you can do to positively impact the two of you coming together to better appreciate the love that already exist and strengthen this force even more.
I wrote a post on this topic some time ago and it is a long one, but worth every minute.
I believe there are 5 essential principles that govern how marriages can be improved. When a couple is successful in doing all of these things very well, love only grows and prospers.
As I end this post, I will leave you with this article I wrote. Feel free to dive in and devour it!