If you are wondering what your relationship needs to perk it up….to make it special, you have come to the right place! It does not matter whether you are married and looking for a little help or dating and are trying to optimize your connection, the secret sauce every couple is looking for revolves around attraction and arousal.
So how do you get there?
What are some of the best ways for you to arouse your husband or wife? Or let’s say your boyfriend seems to be drifting away, what might be some of the things you should know and do to capitalize on his desire to be aroused?
Over the next few posts, I am going to show you one of the things every relationship needs to grow.
Oh…and by the way. Do me a favor. Offer up your comments or any ideas you are willing to offer up. I enjoy reading your comments and I will respond. You can weigh in at the “Comment Section” found at the end of this post.
We are going to talk about attraction between the sexes and how the “controlled” waning and waxing of attraction can be the perfect recipe for achieving a happy and fulfilling relationship.
If you come here with marriage on your mind or let’s say you are already married and are looking for ways to optimize the your husband’s or wife’s attraction, then I want you to open yourself up to thinking about arousal in an entirely different way.
I want you to learn about the science behind arousing your spouse or significant other and the practical ways you can get him (or her) excited about being with you.
Just like the waves that break off of the rocks when they come rolling upon the beach, attraction and arousal work together to make marriages and relationships incredibly rewarding.
So just how does this work?
How can you arouse your ex husband or the love of your life without them even being consciously aware of it?
Because that is where the secret sauce of attraction and arousal really reside. It is deep inside the mind. What you need to learn is how to unlock that love magic. I also talk about it in the post below in great detail (see link), but today you are lucky, because I am going to give you another way of wrapping your brain around what you can do to make your relationship better.
https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-save-your-troubled-marriage/
The beauty of the the process I am about to describe works for both those couples who have experienced a breakup as well as those individuals who are caught up in courtship, pursuing engagement or who are together through marriage.
Ok, I am going to let you in on a big secret. Indeed, the concept is so powerful, most people completely overlook it. And I understand why many do. We live such busy lives. And with the non stop attitude of faster and faster still, people can easily lose sight of the power that resides around the simple things.
If there was a simple way to describe what every marriage or relationship needs it would be characterized as “less is more“.
So you now might be thinking, “What? Come back with that and explain what you mean!”
I understand. Sometimes the simplest things when it comes to love, relationships, and marriage are the most difficult to understand.
Let’s return to my analogy of the waves that come in toward the beach and eventually break off the rocky shoreline. Are you thinking of that rocky beach? Good! So now think about the concepts of attraction and arousal and how they may represent this picture.
Just as the rippled, sandy bottom of the ocean helps with forming the shape of the waves (i.e. we are talking “attraction”here!); its the movement of the water that allows the wave to come crashing down on the shoreline (i.e. just as our arousal leads to a climax). You need both to make the splash.
Ok…is that too colorful of a metaphor! Let’s try another way of describing these powerful concepts (i.e. attraction and arousal) that impacts a couple’s relationship.
It is called the concept of Simplicity. If Yoda was here, he would say, “Powerful are those who attracts their lover through Simplicity“.
Your Relationship Needs a Big Dose of Simplicity!
Here is where simplicity comes out to play.
Imagine you are watching the waves come in. Over and over again, they build and eventually they arrive. Then it all starts over again.
Have you ever just stood at beach staring out toward the ocean, just watching the repetitive action of each wave lapping onto the shoreline. It is such a simple thing to watch and feel and experience. You find yourself in a tranquil, almost hypnotic state as the waves build, crest, and fall upon the sandy beach, over and over gain.
That is the secret to attraction. I also got into this topic in the following post…
https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-turn-on-your-boyfriend-or-husband/
Arousal unfolds when you do very little (i.e. less is more), then you do a little more. I am talking in terms of sensuality. It could be in the form of touch. It could unfold in the cadence of your words and tone. It could be the way you dress and the movements you make.
And guess what! There is a science behind all this stuff about attraction in relationships.
In a nutshell, this is how it works. You do very little, followed again by doing more of something to arouse. Just like the waves.
Remember…. the breaks in between the waves is where the sweet spot lies.
Can you remember that! You are searching for the sweet spot and it lives between the actions of attraction and arousal.
But let’s gets some definitions straight! What is arousal?
Arousal is what happens to you when your boyfriend or girlfriend turns you on.
Or it is when you do things to arouse your significant other. There are lots of things that can lead to arousal. It can be something you wear. It can be something you say. Arousing your boyfriend or girlfriend can be something sensual you do in the form of touch. It can be something you see or show.
But the key thing about arousal is if you do something that feels forced or if you go overboard and try to do too much, you lose the intensity of arousal with your ex.
If you do whatever it is you do, all the time, arousal can withdraw. It’s like pouring water on the fire. All you are left with are embers or very little in the form of natural intensity. So think again about the waves and how they come in, regularly, but with breaks in between. They move slowly, but when they arrive, it is with a splash. Then the whole process starts again.
Well, then, what is attraction?
The way I see it, attraction is the foundation you lay down in order for arousal to come out and play. It’s the things two people do to begin building a connection and bond.
There. That should do it, for definition purposes. Now you are an expert on attraction and arousal! Are you ready to try it on your boyfriend? Are you ready lay it on your wife?
“Hold it!“, you might say. “There has to be more to it than that!“. Well, of course there is and I promise we will get into all of it soon. In fact, it is going to take 2 or 3 long posts in order for me to walk you down the beach, so to speak, so you can start to see how all this stuff works together.
Just consider this article Part 1.
What you want from your relationship is to understand how you and your lover can fire on all cylinders of arousal and attraction. The parties involved, whether they be your husband or your wife, or perhaps your boyfriend or your girlfriend…..need to work as one, understanding the magical lesson of giving and taking away in the most loving and subtle way.
“Alright!”, you may say to yourself. “That all sounds good. But how does it really work? What should I do to attract and arouse my Ex or my lover?”
Arousal is What Your Relationship Needs
The range of opinions of how we go about creating attraction and arousal is wide and expansive. If you were to survey people on this topic, you would get an assortment of answers.
First let me point out that there is considerable misinformation out there on this topic. If you are looking for some magic formula that will create attraction, you won’t find it here.
Except, as you no know, I am really keen on “less is more” when it comes to creating and sustaining arousal.
Given that we are all very complex human beings and are unique in our likes and dislikes, it can make the question of what arouses attraction nearly impossible to answer accurately on an individual basis.
But I do believe there are certain commonalities we all share. Our brain chemistry, without a doubt, plays a role in how we are drawn to another or become “turned on”.
What Do We Know
Let’s start first with what we do know.
Men and women are both influenced by their right side/left side brain.
It is the right side of the brain that is known as our emotional operating system. It is the side that controls our visual imagery and creativity. It also influences language, understanding context and a person’s tone. It is this side of the brain that can be influenced by the release of the hormone, oxytocin.
Oxytocin can influence our level of attraction for another.
We know that oxytocin can be triggered by several things. Among these are affectionate touching, laughing, talking intimately, giving of yourself, witnessing loving kindness, hugging, exhibiting certain kinds of body language, smiling, prolonged eye contact, and many others.
Knowing this upfront can enable you to plan better for future meetings with your husband or wife.
A simple touch on the shoulder or holding the gaze a beat longer or sharing something intimate….these things can help trigger a release of oxytocin in your lover’s brain.
If you also engage in positive behaviors like smiling, laughing and offer an intimate hug….you are helping yourself through tapping into something very primal in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s psyche.
Even using certain phrases or suggestive language can embed itself in your Ex’s subconscious. Just know, that since I am talking to a larger audience, I may refer to individuals who may be your girlfriend, a boyfriend, an ex-husband, or ex-wife. So I will use these words interchangeably.
The tapestry in helping people reconnect is large!
Your Lover’s Body Language and Word Choice
Research has revealed that your body posture, tone of voice and the rapidity of your voice can all send positive attraction signals. Ironically, the words a person uses accounts for only 7% of that which ultimately makes one attractive.
So for all those Romeos’ and Juliets’ out there…I have news for you….words often matter much less than body language, tone and pitch of voice.
Though I will say that in defense of “words”, if certain phrases are used at a time when a person is receptive to hearing such language, the benefits can be impressive.
Later, I will give you a few examples of what I call “tactical phrasing”.
Even certain colors carry more weight than words. The color red has been found to be an “attractor” for men and women
The Attraction Value Chain Ladder
In designing my complete Ex Recovery System, I want you to understand that ATTRACTION is embedded throughout the entire process. I refer to it as the Attraction Value Chain Ladder.
The value chain consists of 7 key elements which I discuss here on this website and in my book which is available on my Ex Recovery websites.
The No Contact Principle
Dealing With Your Recovery
Allowing For Your Ex’s Recovery
Using Phantom Communication Strategies
First Contact Messages
The Meet Up
The Meeting After the Meet Up
If you and your significant other have broken up or are “separated”, you should take a close look at implementing the No Contact Principle. Inherent within this principle is the idea that attraction can build over time. One can say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but what it really boils down to is human psychology and human desire.
We know there are chemicals in our brains that can be triggered to arouse attraction in the right side brain. And we will talk more about relationship specific strategies you can employ to accomplish this. But there are also other more tactical things people can do to create attraction.
I have talked about the principle of psychological reactance in which people often desire that which they are told “they can’t have” or “shouldn’t have”.
Psychological reactance works as a form of reverse psychology. This is one of the reasons why the No Contact Principle can enable attraction. Tell me something I can’t have and I will immediately want it. If it’s something I am use to having, there is a good chance I will come to miss it. And when I miss something, I naturally will seek it out. I am attracted to it.
And guess what? When you finally possess what it is that you were not suppose to have, there is another psychological principle that often times kicks in. It is called the Endowment Effect. Once you possess something or after you work hard to become reunited with a person, it ends up having more value to you.
Good grief….that sounds so clinical doesn’t it!
But it really isn’t too surprising. Because what we are discussing goes back eons.
It all ties into the idea of The Chase. If someone is made to work very hard to achieve something, once they have it, it will mean more to them.
The notion of “leaving them wanting more” has been a time tested strategy going all the way back to P.T. Barnum who first coined the phrase. Elsewhere on this website, I have talked about the Ziegnarik Effect and how it works.
This is essentially want I mean by tapping into the principle of “leaving them wanting more”. People illustrate the power of the Ziegnarik Effect every time they come back to watch the next thrilling episode of a popular series (e.g. Game of Thrones). That is what those cliff hangers are all about. It leaving the audience wanting more.
And tapping into that strategy of ending on the high point (i.e. leaving them desiring more) can be an enormously successful enabler of attraction.
Let’s move on up to the next rungs of the Attraction Value Chain Ladder. Again, let’s assume you and your relationship partner are experiencing a rough patch.
When you focus on Dealing With Your Recovery and are busy becoming the best version of yourself, you position yourself to become a much more “attractive” person. When you Allow For Your Ex to Recover, you both benefit and increase the probability of a future re-connection.
Let’s move a bit further along the value chain.
Make Your Lover Chase You
When I talk about using Phantom Communication Strategies, we are trying to tap into the deep recesses of your Ex’s brain. By simply planting a seed of a thought or idea, either through a pic, text, through a friend, or some action…..by setting such a thing in motion, you are appealing to a centuries old tactic commonly called The Chase.
There is also something to be said about “The Chase”. There is a certain degree of excitement and challenge when someone is made to chase another.
During the period in which you employ phantom communication tactics, what you are doing in effect is calling upon the power and influence that little subtle “suggestions” and “reminders” can have on your lover’s psyche.
In effect, you are tapping deep into the individual’s subconscious.
If you look at the behaviors of a person who is challenged to “chase”, we again can see that it starts inside the brain. Your husband or wife’s behavior is triggered by both the release of oxytocin (or endorphins).
The notion to initiate the chase is lodged somewhere within the person’s subconscious. As I have said before, it is the little things that you do in moderation that can create attraction, provided these these little seeds you plant in your husband’s (or wife’s) mind are positive, flirty, or kind.
People are naturally attracted to things that they like. They gravitate to those things that makes them feel welcomed or good about themselves.
Are You Ready to Program Your Husband (or Wife)?
As one progresses through the value chain of the Ex Recovery System, another attraction builder is achieved through a form of what is called neuro-linguistic programming.
Where are we now in the Attraction Value Chain?
We are now operating within the realm of the “First Contact” Messages which I discussed earlier in this book. Remember, I am assuming in this discussion that the relationship has been broken. It has either ended or you and your ex are soon to be separated. In your infinite wisdom, you initiated the No Contact Rule. Let’s say you have finished 21 days of No Contact.
Now what?
Well, it is time to reach out, if you wish to explore reuniting with your lover.
So how does neuro-linguistic programming fit into the scheme of things?
When I talked earlier about the different kinds of “First Contact” text messages that you can send to your Ex, you should understand that this approach is predicated on tapping into “positive memories” or arousing the innate curiosity of your Ex.
The word “neuro” refers to neural network that connects to the brain. Yep, as much as you may not want to admit it, you marital partner does have a brain and a neural network.
“Linguistics” is about the spoken, written or nonverbal communication that serves as the messenger.
Now I know this stuff can get a bit stuffy, but think of it this way.
Imagine that you and your Ex participated in a joyous experience such as a hot air balloon ride and had a terrific time. Perhaps you had a romantic candlelight dinner later that evening and stayed up during the night just talking to each other. Let’s say it was an amazing, memorable moment in your lives.
Well, that “positive” experience is very likely imprinted into the neural network of your Ex.
Now, fast forward to the present. Right now, your Ex probably associates a lot of “negative” memories with you due to the breakup. We want to change that with memories that are positive. Believe me, there are many positive memories that still remain in your Ex’s psyche.
What you are seeking to do is utilize a neuro-linguistic technique to try to awaken that positive memory. You in effect are trying to replace (i.e. reprogram) negative thoughts your Ex may have of you, with more positive, attractive thoughts.
With tactics such as this, we are not looking for a miracle. Rather, one is seeking to find a little wedge to re-open communications. Sometimes it takes multiple shots on goal before you score.
Ok, so I am going to use a little psychology on you now. I am going to hopefully leave you wanting more!
Indeed, there is much more to talk about regarding this topic of what you can do to get your relationship back on attract. And it revolves around more things for you to learn regarding attraction and arousal.
So look for my next post in this “series” of articles that deal with helping you with turning your relationship into something really, really special.
I like it! Leave them wanting more. Seems like the Chase is alive and well.