It certainly is not a fun ride when your marriage or relationship is floundering. When two people breakup, it is not just a simple matter of two reasonable and rationale people agreeing that they should go their separate ways.
Why can’t things just be cut and dry we often ask ourselves. Unfortunately, we live in a world filled with people who often have no idea how to manage and carry on a successful relationship.
Just saying our sweet goodbyes sure sounds like a lovely and refreshing thought experiment. And it does seem like a nice and civil way of handling a breakup of a marriage or relationship.
But the behavior in which a couple holds hands and sweetly kiss and wish each other the best, exists only in daydreams.
Rarely is the outcome of a relationship breakup clean. The reality is that when a couple spends a lot of time together, closely knitted by a multitude of personal and private experiences, you can bet they have a lot on the line and a lot to lose.
You can be assured that two people suffering through the hardships of a breakup are often not of the mind to look at things calmly. On the contrary, you can expect that the couple, who once were so lovey dovey, will most certainly be bouncing off the walls trying to find answers to questions they cannot even frame.
Trust me. Much of what you are trying to process won’t make a lot of sense. And the best way for you to overcome the relationship breakup blues is to tap into the treasure chest of recovery ideas that I have been sharing with my clients for years.
I want you to accept that the best thing you can probably do in the near term to get a grip on what is happening to you and what you should do is to begin your own recovery process.
Turning The Corner After the Breakup Blues
Many people caught up in the turmoil of a breakup are still thinking about reestablishing their relationship with their ex boyfriend or ex husband (and of course for the guys visiting the site, this also pertains to you if you are chasing after your ex girlfriend or ex wife).
If that is the case for you, then I have something for you.
And if you are unsure if you want back that lying, cheating, son of a gun boyfriend or girlfriend….just kidding….I also have some ideas that may prove helpful in your quest.
After all, whatever your intentions, you need some help with getting back on your feet and moving forward.
So to that aim, the suggestions I have for you below are characterized as either ex back “attraction tactics” or an ex back “recovery tactics”.
So let’s get right into it!
Message in the Bottle (An Attraction Tactic)
This particular tactic can work in many relationship situations. It can serve as a way to break the ice. It can help with jump starting a failed relationship. And at the very least, it can pave a way for you and your ex to begin a dialogue.
If you wish to use it as a “primer” to open up the communication channels, then go for it!
If you wish to turn it into your “First Contact Message”, then by all means give it a try.
It can also be utilized as another contact tactic if your Ex has failed to respond to your initial communication efforts following the No Contact Period which I discuss elsewhere on the website.
Once again, we are trying to appeal to your Ex’s emotional sense of mystery, curiosity, or even sense of romanticism.
That’s right…we are again trying to tap their “right” Brain! Remember, this is their emotional control center. If you tickle your ex husband ( or ex wife’s) emotional control center, you may very well open up an opportunity to at least get your ex to talk.
That is what we are trying to achieve here. When bad things happen in a couple’s relationship, communication typically breaks down. Now, as I have described throughout my writings, you are probably best off taking time off away from your ex. But there will come a time when you may want to trigger some positive dialogue.
So this is how it works.
Go find an empty wine bottle.
You can buy one that is empty and the merchant may even put in a message for you and cork and seal the bottle. Remember, presentation is important in matters of winning back and arousing your lover.
People Love Little Unexpected Surprises
Men are more often stimulated by visual cues. Women are more often stimulated by what I think of as “stories” and “sweet gestures”.
For example, do you know what else women love and what women want?
They love romance novels and they want romance in their lives.
So while men are more visually stimulated, women like to read about romance and think about the characters and how it makes them feel. That is what turns them on.
Remember, attraction emerges from the right side of our minds. To tickle it out, it helps to understand a bit about the differences between the sexes.
It is funny how our brains developed somewhat differently for men and women, but it is very true and is a scientific fact.
That is why, the book and the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, did so well with women. It appeals to something lodged deep inside their evolved brain.
Now, bear in mind, given the complexity of human beings, these notions I am talking about are broadly true. Every one of us are unique in our own way in how we react and respond to things.
This particular tactic I am going to recommend has the potential to work for either sex.
You are going to create a special moment for your Ex and compose this special note in an innovative way to arouse curiosity and interest.
Ok, do your remember that clear, empty wine bottle we were talking about a bit earlier?
Well, I want you to grab some paper and I recommend you write a little note.
You can say something like, “I just wanted to Thank You for the wonderful and fulfilling experiences you have provided to me. I genuinely hope you accept my heartfelt appreciation.”
That is all I want you to say.
Keep in mind, you should not be begging for your Ex (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) to come back into your life.
You should not be asking whether they would be open to just chatting.
You are leaving everything open. It is their move, now. Maybe your Ex reaches out. Maybe they don’t.
But what you have done is create an image of yourself as someone who is thoughtful, romantic and available, but not desperate.
It is important to be seen as strong and sensitive, but not desperate.
So once you have your message all written up, then have it placed in the empty bottle.
There are merchants out there that will actually put a special label on the bottle for you. So you can get creative here. But keep it noble and classy. They will do all of this for a price and cork and seal your bottle.
Then package the bottle in a special box and arrange for it to be delivered to your Ex.
Again, I like the idea of using an overnight carrier.
Then simply wait. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn’t. Whatever the case, I bet your Ex will be very surprised.
And surprising an Ex in a positive way, is a good thing. It is this kind of action that speaks to the right side of the brain.
Yo Yo (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)
So let’s say you are in the midst of your No Contact Period. You have had it with your ex husband or boyfriend and are just fed up. You know you need some time to yourself to start patching yourself back together again. I am sure I don’t need to tell you how difficult it is for you to “stay true” to your commitment to not communicate with your Ex.
One part of your brain and emotional control center is screaming, “I hope I never see or him from him (or her) again”! Then later, another part of you starts thinking, “what would it hurt to try and clear the air”.
I know…it is tough…it can be really tough when you find yourself at war within yourself. It is the classical breakup zone dilemma.
Your inner mind is constantly nagging at you with doubts. Your psyche keeps tempting you to “break off No Contact, just this one time”. Your mind starts rationalizing why it is a good idea to text or call your ex. You start entertaining notions of possibly running into your ex, accidental like!
They say the mind is terrible thing to waste, right!
But in my view, that is just another of those little sayings that just doesn’t hold water from my perspective. Sure, I am all for education. But our minds often spit out all kinds of crap thoughts!
There are plenty of times where couples would like to eradicate some of the senseless or even painful thoughts that seem to embed themselves so easily in the minds of each party.
Right now, your inner mind is probably conspiring against you. It is egging you to do something that is probably not in your best interest.
What should you do?
Well, what you are really in need of is an “emotional pick me up”!
Why not try the Ex Recovery Yo Yo Principle.
There are certain types of text messages that are like precious, self healing drops of Jupiter. These are text messages that you send to YOURSELF.
Messages you send to yourself should be self affirming. They can do wonders in building self esteem confidence, lifting your mood, and reducing the damaging effects of stress.
I like to call these types of text messages, Yo Yo texts.
Yo” in spanish means “me” (i.e. yourself).
So you want to send a text from yourself to yourself….Yo to Yo.
I am going to “drop” a little psychology on you.
If you are struggling with a loss of love or anything that is troubling you, then “drop” yourself a message that is full to the brim with positive words of self support.
- “I am strong. I am resilient. I will survive this and move on to even better things”
- “As I stand here reading this, I know I am resilient and things will get better”
- “I am so proud of myself for not completely breaking down. It is OK if I cry once in awhile. I am strong and wise enough to do that”
- “Hey, remember dude. You have seen worst and been thru worst”
- “I am determined to begin a new journey and discover who I am and what I really want”
Putting Ex Breakup Panic In Its Place ( A “Chris” Recovery Insight)
By definition, I am a pretty positive guy.
But I would be remiss if I did not talk about some of those emotions that might be churning inside you.
Some of my clients have been told things that set them spinning out of control. For example, the other day I had a client who received an awful text. In a matter of seconds and in the most impersonal way, she was told by her Ex that, “It’s all OVER between us. Don’t text back”.
She explained to me that when she thinks about that message too much, it sometimes leads to her shaking uncontrollably. Her heart will start racing and she will get light headed or have difficulty breathing.
Welcome to the world of panic attacks.
These physical symptoms can later be followed by gloom, depression, confusion, denial, anger, resentment. Lots of bad feelings.
If this kind of thing is happening to you on occasion, let me reveal to you a big Truth!
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
In this very moment or possibly in the future, you may feel hopeless. But things will get better. And it starts with understanding what you are experiencing is not unusual.
It’s not a treat, that is for sure.
But there is a reason why your body is reacting like it is. It’s the body’s and mind’s way of dealing with very alarming and bad news. And sometimes there are after quakes.
Moods can shift and change rapidly.
So let’s just take a moment and offer you some coping and healing strategies in case you ever find yourself a victim of a panic or an acute anxiety attack:
- Breath – it sounds simple, but when you are in panic or experiencing a lot of anxiety, you forget to breath. Or you might hyperventilate. Your nervous system is wired to go into a fight/flight response if you become emotionally overwhelmed. On a count of 4, take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. Do it again and again and again.
- Take Ownership of your Anxiety – accept that anxiety is a normal thing. Breakups can take a toll on you. Just know, you cannot entirely be rid of anxious feelings. Let’s say you are thinking far too much about your ex husband or ex boyfriend and you feel your stomach knotting up. Your mind start running with thoughts. Just remind yourself that this bout of acute anxiety will run its course.
- Brain Games – realize your brain can fool you. It can trigger this physiological response of panic. But give yourself a “trap door”. When it happens, know that it is your brain and nervous system seizing temporary control. But the bout of panic will end. It always does.
- Challenge Your Thoughts – when in a panicky mode, you may think of every worst scenario. But that is just one side of the brain’s opinion. The emotional side of your brain can temporarily run amok when you are thinking about your past relationship. Appeal to the rational hemisphere of your brain and remind yourself that things are not anywhere near as catastrophic as the other side of your reactionary brain may make you feel. No one has died. The world is not coming to its demise.
- Look for the Drops of Jupiter – use positive visualization techniques to turn around the negativity in your mind. It is akin to a form of meditation. Say really nice things about yourself. Just go to a positive place in your mind….like a field of flowers….a sky of puffy white clouds. Assign your negative thoughts to these objects and allow them to just drift or float on by. Basically, you are de-fanging the negative thoughts. Realize that the “thoughts” in your mind are just mental constructs. They are NOT REAL. They have no power over you.
- Use Positive Talk – You get a bad text. Delete it. Send yourself a positive text. Remind yourself that you have beat these bad feelings before and you will do it again. Say it out loud.
- The Present Moment is a Powerful Goddess – When we panic and anxiety runs amok, so to do our thoughts. Like a rampaging river or freight train, your mind can quickly conjure up all sorts of absurd scenarios. Soon, all you can think of are these high drama scenarios. Guess what? The future is always moving and you cannot always control it. Spend your time thinking about the present and perform your breathing and positive imaging. There is plenty of time for you to plan and seek a future outcome more to your liking.
- Stay Engaged – the worse thing you can do is sit around and obsess, allowing your thoughts to runaway. Keep to your routines. Add more routines. Seek a physical release. Walk around the block. Go on a jog. Get busy with life.
- Rinse and Repeat – Read bullets 1 – 8 several times. The more these ideas get imprinted in your mind, the better off you will be.
Tripping for a Memory Wash (A “Chris” Ex Recovery Exercise)
It probably has been a rough ride for you. And sometimes the best medicine for the heart is a change of scenery. Sometimes it is best to lift yourself out of the immediate environment and go somewhere to reflect and find perspective.
So this is what I want you to do and I strongly recommend you do it with a close friend.
Well, if you go off by yourself, that “ole” inner voice can pry itself into your mind and start you off on a negative ride. When you are with a friend or surrounded with friends, guess what is the on the plate? We are talking lots of fun…lots of talking…lots of exploring…and lots of distractions.
Think of it as a “Memory Wash”.
Right now, your memories are probably awashed with thoughts about your Ex.
Well, that just won’t do!
It’s out with the old and in with creating new, more positive memories.
By the way, there is yet another benefit to this little trip you are taking. You can use it as leverage to start a mild “jealousy thread” on Facebook or whatever social media platform you use.
Or you can have a friend conveniently drop a little tidbit on your whereabouts to your Ex. Not that you want your Ex to come looking for you. But rather, you want them to be aware that you are out having fun. That can create a little sense of jealousy which is a forerunner for attraction.
Your estranged or ex husband or wife might be somewhat annoyed that you are out with friends and not in “mourning” over the relationship, but in the long run, it sends the message that you are a vibrant and energetic person.
And that is an attractive way in which you want others to perceive you.