When you think about what you should do to reconnect with your ex, whether it is your husband or ex boyfriend (or wife or ex girlfriend), you should NOT think so much about the granular details. You can get lost in all the specifics.
Nor do relationships come back together because of a few tactics you execute.
Think of getting your relationship back on track as part of a process. Think of getting back with your ex or recovering the vitality of your marriage as a systematic approach.
The trick is knowing where to put your focus.
I want you to think of relationship recovery as a journey. Forget about the articles you have read that offer you a fast and furious way of regaining the love you have with your ex.
It is never that easy. For starters, when your ex has left you, it is very difficult to stop thinking about him or her. I write about this in the article below….
Remember, recovering your relationship is much more about the journey you take as an individual.
Now, I don’t mean to ignore the importance of the shared journey that a “couple” embarks on as they seek to strengthen their relationship.
That is important too. But every journey to bettering your marriage begins from within.
A Systematic Approach to Putting Your Relationship Back in Order
As you embark on this journey, I want you to try and imagine what it would be like if you had no plan to recover your Ex.
I want you to think about how you would go about reigniting attraction with the one you love, but who has broken up or separated with you.
Ok…so tell what you see!
Well, since I have an extraordinary gift of reading your mind, I guess I will just go ahead and describe it!
So what would it be like if you had no coherent plan to recover your Ex?
If you are like most folks, I would say you would probably picture a scene cluttered with wild ideas and desperate attempts to win back your lost love.
And that is the problem for many people when they enter the “Breakup Zone”.
It is confusing and painful to be in the Breakup Zone. People are not themselves and are often searching for answers.
They may not fully understand why things unfolded in the way that they did. When relationships come to an end, people are often encountering extreme emotional reactions and are confused as to where to turn.
If you feel lost…if you feel your marriage has gotten away from you, then what are you to do? I discuss some solutions here…..
No doubt, breakups can cause a lot of confused feelings about where to turn.
Did you know that many of these unsettled feelings arise when when we operate from the right side of our brain? You see, that is where the negative emotional control center resides.
Who would have ever thought that we have two sides of our brain that competes for attention and control. We need them both. Our left side is our logic center. Our right side is our emotional operating system.
And right now, the right side of the brain is probably dominating your mood. Right after a breakup, that side of the brain conspires to make things worse. Like an addict suffering withdrawal symptoms, individuals going through a breakup suffer a similar plight. And all of this pain has a biochemical origin.
If you were like me, you probably didn’t care a lot for chemistry when you were going to school. It just didn’t excite me much. I mean really, what is with all these odd symbols and compounds of things.
But you know, since I work with so many people helping them with escaping the Breakup Zone, I have had to learn some things about chemistry….quite a few things. And I want you to know, chemistry is a heck of a lot more interesting than you probably realize!
Throughout your relationship, your brain became accustomed to its daily doses of oxytocin and the positive effects of dopamine. Everything seemed wonderful when your romance was budding. Your brain was flushed with these “feel good” chemicals and oh, it really felt good when you were on a love induced natural high.
But once a breakup occurs, those chemicals go into decline. And there is always a price to pay when the “feel good” chemicals go crashing.
To make matters worse, the pain of a marital separation or breakup, as you probably well know, is not just limited to emotional suffering. Real physical pain is not uncommon. Make no mistake, our physiology and emotional control centers are synergistically linked and the chemicals being released in your brain can rule the day.
So what is one to do?
Become a monk or Nun?
Well, if you ask me, it really depends on what you want to accomplish.
In the back of your mind or possibly in the forefront, you may be thinking all you want is your Ex back. You may be keenly focused on just getting your husband (or wife) back. That may very well be the only thing you are thinking about. And thoughts of returning back to those days of marital bliss may color every day and night.
For a lot of people, their mantra becomes, “I want my Ex back. I want my Ex back.” Indeed, you might be so obsessed with the notion that you become physically exhausted and ill. Just know that when your mind is flooded with such thoughts, it is largely your brain chemistry talking. And these voices are very difficult to control, particularly in the early days of breaking it off with hubby or wife.
Don’t you just hate it when you can’t shake loose of obsessive thoughts. I have seen some people just smack myself on the right side of my head, thinking that will dislodge those pesky “right brain” thoughts.
Beating yourself up emotionally just does not get results. And self inflicted pain is a very serious condition and if your behaviors are leading you to that, please get immediate help.
So what is one to do to try and recover the relationship or marriage back?
Well, first you need to experience some healing. You will also need to gain some much needed perspective. Neither of these two things will happen over nite.
But trust me, in time, you will draw closer to your “true” feelings as to what is in your best interest. But right now, be careful with putting too much stock into all of the thoughts running through your mind.
Why is that?
It is simple. Remember, you are in the Breakup Zone right now. It is like the twilight zone for couples who have parted ways. So your sense of reality is most likely warped.
So, you are still wondering, “what is one to do!”
How To Get Your Relationship Back on Track
I think you are in need of a pragmatic Game Plan.
Show me a person without a plan and I will show you someone who is aimlessly wandering around, randomly trying things out and frequently striking out.
To be successful in the unforgiving world I call the Breakup Zone, you need to have an innovative Relationship Game Plan. You need to embrace a Recovery System that has a proven track record.
Would you like to embark on this journey!
I sure hope so, because that is where I intend to lead you!
Quite frankly, there is much for you to learn.
I encourage you to explore other sections of my website that discuss how utilizing the No Contact Principle can make a huge difference in your quest to repair your relationship
To learn how to patch up your relationship with your significant other, you need to learn the importance of waging a Recovery campaign on two fronts. This involves creating an environment in which your ex misses you. Then on another front, you want to have a mindset that the most important thing in your life should be about fulfilling your emotional needs and striving to become the best person you can be in your mind’s eye.
You see, what is important is understanding there is a power in turning away from that which you “think” you want. Your emotional need may be yearning to get your ex back. But in the period following a break up, that is usually the last thing you want to do.
During your journey, you will want to learn that the single most important strategy in your quest to recover your Ex is to first Become the Best Version of Yourself.
Now sometimes at this stage of my introduction into my world view about relationships, someone from way back in the audience will stand up and say, “Chris, I don’t want to be a better version of myself. I just want my ex back”!
This is when I usually call upon the Yoda version of me and I reply,
“If you end your training now — if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did — you will become an agent of evil.”
Ok, so maybe this is not what I told them! Perhaps what I really said was,
“You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Ok, you got me on that one too! Yep, that is Yoda again. But there is a truth to those quotes from wise little Yoda.
As you will discover if you explore this website, all of the things I teach fit together seamlessly to form a complete strategy on how to successfully reunite with your ex husband or ex wife.
Recovering Your Relationship
Your journey will teach you how the Complete Ex Recovery System can work for you in ways that you can not even imagined right now! So why do I refer to my teachings here this website as the complete ex recovery system.
First of all, a lot of folks that come to this website are searching to get that magic back in their relationship. Something has been displaced. The special feelings that use to make the relationship shine, seem to have departed for many. Many of my clients are suffering within their marriage. Some are actively trying to regain their husband or wife. Perhaps they are separated by years of resentment and conflict. Perhaps the problem has much more to do with their feelings of being forgotten right inside the marriage itself. I have had some people tell me they can sit next to their husband (or wife) and feel like they are completely lost.
Sometimes the couple’s relationship is literally broken in two and the marriage is been vacated. In these cases the two people may have left each other on an emotional level.
Right now, you are probably focused like a laser on your Ex. He or she probably occupies your mind endlessly.
But quite frankly, this system does much more than help you get your ex back. Sure, that is probably the primary driving force for why you came to this site. You are suffering and right now all you can think about is having your ex back in your life.
But for a moment, I want you to switch over to the left side of your brain’s way of thinking about things. This is the logical and rational side of your mind.
It is said, that “when emotions run high, logic runs low.”
Well, I want you to do me a favor and think about this journey you are about to take in a somewhat different way. I want you to shift your paradigm. As I pointed out, you are probably obsessed with the notion of winning back your Ex. Well, I want this journey you are about to embark on to be about much more than that.
If getting your ex back is your singular focus, then you might succeed with my teachings. But if you are truly on a journey to learn and grow, then you should look to gain much more than getting back with your ex.
Most of my clients come to me wounded and confused, feeling they have lost their purpose. As you probably well know, such feelings are not unusual after a breakup.
When people enter into the Breakup Zone, they become lost souls.
What they need is direction. I teach my clients that first they need to begin with their healing process. I show them how.
Then we talk about the need to regain their confidence and self esteem. When something is torn away from you, you lose some confidence and a sense of who you really are.
When you are really close to someone else, you become bonded and connected in ways that are only truly understood after that connection is broken. That missing void has to be replaced.
I teach my clients the importance of re-engaging in life and shifting their paradigm. They need to become a better version of themselves. They need to learn about re-attraction. And if they truly desire to reunite with their Ex, they will need to learn about making it stick.
So I teach people how to embark on a journey of learning.
The success of your journey should not be measured by whether your Ex texted or called you back or agreed to meet with you again. It should not be measured by whether your husband or wife said something really sweet to you. Success may not even be measured by whether the two of you are eventually reunited. Trust me, while such things may seem like the most important things in the world to you right now, these measures of success may not be the most meaningful things.
The Many Faces of Relationship Success
A year from now, you may not even think of the improvements you make in your life as “accomplishments”. Your journey of life may take you to a different place altogether. I am not talking about a geographic location, though that can’t be ruled out entirely either, but rather, your journey may lead to possibly a different lover, a different occupation, a different and better version of YOU.
Real success has many faces.
So don’t lock yourself into just looking at things from one angle. I have had countless clients who came back to me months later to tell me how things worked out for them. For example:
“Thank you Chris for opening my eyes and giving me hope. My ex is no longer part of my life, but I feel so much happier with myself and all of the possibilities that lay before me”.
Of course, I get plenty of stories like the one from Camelia who told me:
“It worked Chris. I did everything you said and we got back together. Much of it worked. You were right about No Contact and building attraction. I kept tickling that feeling I knew he had about me.”
Oh, I neglected to tell you something very important!
Throughout this website, I have written about some of the key things you need to focus on to get your relationship back on track. I want you to think of getting your ex back in terms of a synergistic system comprising of 7 key components. Each of these components are connected and interrelated.
You can read more about how to save your relationship in this post.
And there is another important part to your relationship recovery story.
There is this amazing force that is all around us.
It is called ATTRACTION.
Relationship Recovery is About Rebuilding Attraction
That may be what is missing right now in your life. The attraction between you and your Ex is probably at an all time low. And it is not because you are not beautiful enough or handsome enough. As you probably understand, attraction is a multi faceted force that is impacted by many things. Part of it depends on the degree of conflict and animosity between a couple. Another part of attractions revolves around the history of behaviors between the couple. And attraction can grow or wane depending on one’s emotional state.
If you desire to get back with him or her, attraction needs to be recovered. It needs to be re-ignited.
But here is the important piece. There is another kind of attraction you need to rebuild. Care to guess what it is?
It is simple!
Look into the mirror. The answer is staring you in the face. You need to rebuild ATTRACTION in yourself. If you are not already, you want to be your own best friend.
Odds are that your self confidence is low. Your self esteem has taken a blow. You feel listless and maybe even depressed. You may feel helpless, lacking in hope. And if you are like a lot folks who are struggling with a breakup, you probably have let yourself go a bit.
All of that has to CHANGE! That should be the first phase of your journey of recovery.
Because you see, to be successful in repairing your relationship with your ex, you need to restore the bond with yourself.
When you learn and agree that the “attraction” which arises between YOU and your Ex is correlated with the attraction YOU hold for yourself, you will have taken the most important step in your goal of rebuilding your relationship.
These two ATTRACTION outcomes share a synergistic relationship. You can’t have one, without the other.