Are you married and have you given up on love?
Have you come to the point in your life where you survey the entire time you and your husband have been together and are starting to think it will never work out?
Have you arrived at that place where you simply can’t tolerate being with your husband anymore?
Have you given up on your marriage to your husband?
Let consider this scenario….
All of the patience you have exhibited within your marriage has run short.
All of the good faith efforts you have invested in making the marriage work for both of you has not produced meaningful results.
And let’s also assume a good amount of time has gone by such that you are sure now that the two of your are poorly matched as husband and wife.
If you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone. There are plenty of married women out there who are experiencing the same struggles and are facing a big life event decision.
Don’t Let Your Past Marriage Troubles Cloud Your Judgement
I tell my clients not to do anything impulsive when they think it’s all over.
Relationship emotions can take over our rational thought processes, so it’s best to give the real important decisions of our life time.
Knowing when your marriage is over is not always an easy thing to recognize.
In fact, I also wrote this article about the topic. Take a look…
Every day women and men struggle with when its time to pull out for good.
I hear from them everyday….
Chris, my husband is giving up on me and our marriage, so why shouldn’t I just throw in the towel? I don’t see him changing his ways or his mind.
He cheated on me and I don’t know if I really love him anymore. When is it time to give up on a marriage after infidelity?
You told me Chris I shouldn’t be so quick to giving up on our marriage too soon but I don’t think I want him in my life. I have given up looking for love from a guy who only loves himself.
How does one know when to leave their marriage? I am not sure if I can tolerate this much more. I have tried everything and can’t get through him. He only seems to care about himself. I didn’t realize his selfish ways would be unleashed after we decided to move in together. Now I can get him to leave and I am like really over this already. What can I do to end this miserable relationship?
Chris, I have given up on being in love with my husband. This whole marriage thing is overdone. I thought we would be happy ever after and that is not even close to being true. What now?
Of course, when you got married, the last thought you probably entertained was that you could be facing a situation where you realize you chose the worst ever husband.
OK, so it’s probably not that bad. But if you are here reading this post, chances are you are not a happy camper.
I am sure you never imagined that the marriage wouldn’t work. What brides does? You go into marriage with the best of intentions and the highest of expectations.
Then later you discover you are in a messy relationship that seems to have no end.
This big question is what can you do about this….
Let’s examine Four different situational outcomes that might be unfolding in your life.
I Am Uncertain about Leaving My Husband
Many women I consult with find themselves paralyzed with indecision.
They got married to a man they genuinely loved and thought loved them back.
But the feeling of love is a complicated thing.
You can feel it and believe in it. Even the person you gave your heart to may offer his love to you.
Yet it is possible the person you are with may still be incompatible for you. Try as you might, the marriage can rock back and forth, wobbling from one problem to the next.
Is being in love with your husband enough to make the two of you happy?
The short answer is No.
Love is not a one way street.
You can fall in love with a man and feel his love in return, yet the relationship can still go through very difficult times for any number of circumstances.
If the problems in your marriage emanate from outside the normal way the two of you interact, then don’t move to end things to quickly.
For example, if you and your husband are having problems stemming from finances or illness or career, or you are stuck living with your in-laws or parents, then it is almost always in your best interest to weather storm.
Some big stresses on a marriage will often run its course.
It is no crime to be unsure what is the right thing to do.
Uncertainty can be disabling and cause you to feel frazzled and unhappy. But the way I look at it, if you are uncertain about something so important as whether to continue your marriage, then you already have arrived at a short-term answer on what you should do.
I would argue that if you are filled with uncertainty about your marriage, then you are NOT ready to end things.
It’s OK to have doubts about whether things will work out if your marriage is unfulfilling.
Doubts about our relationships are thoughts that can easily creep into our minds and fill us with confusion.
But they serve a purpose. They let us know that something is off kilter and if it is not addressed, it will likely get worse.
But seldom is it time to cast aside the marriage when doubts and uncertainty arrive.
I Am Ready to Leave But Am Not Sure How
So what do you do if you are sure the marriage is failing miserably and are ready to leave but are not sure how and when?
My first piece of advice is to remind my client that leaving their husband is a huge step in their life.
You want to be sure that you are not acting on impulse or anger or reacting to an adverse situation. Once you have crossed that threshold and are reasonably certain that you need to part with your husband, a certain sense of calm certainty will take center stage in your mind.
When you have arrived at that stage of the relationship in which remaining married to your husband seems unfathomable, then it’s time to come up with your separation plan.
Leaving your husband is a serious thing, so you need to plan seriously. Eventually you will need to tell your husband of your plans, but before doing so you will need to sit down and think about some important practical matters.
Put On Your Thinking Cap Before Ending The Marriage
First of all, you should think about where you will be living.
Will you be asking your husband to move out? Will you be leaving yourself, perhaps getting your own place or staying with family or friends? Which course you take highly depends on your individual circumstances.
As far as timing, if you are at risk of physical abuse, then you get out immediately.
If your husband has been handing out a lot of emotional abuse, then don’t let the grass grow under your feet.
Such circumstances should lead you to leave sooner, even if your living arrangements have to be short-term.
Once you have squared away how the two of you will be separated, then you need to think about how you will tell your husband you no longer wish to live with him.
Again, depending on the circumstances, there are multiple ways you can convey to him it’s time for the two of you to split up. There is no one right way of accomplishing this.
Usually, it is better to meet in person to convey why you no longer wish to be with him. Sometimes it is easier for your husband to process and accept what is happening if you avoid using words that suggest a finality to the relationship.
He may panic and strongly resist if you were to tell him “It’s all over and I never, ever want to see you again”.
Instead of creating that kind of drama, consider using words like “for now” or “for the immediate future”.
Even if this is not your intention, it can help your husband accept that you need to be on your own for some time given the struggles with the marriage.
My experience with couples is that if you resort to a text message, email, phone call, letter, or friend to deliver the news that you no longer wish to live with him, it simply creates confusion, anger, resentment and extends the conversation over this topic.
In some instances, it may serve you to have a trusted friend with you for emotional support.
While this approach is not always effective, it may be more practical if you feel exceptionally vulnerable about your physical or emotional well-being. Having a person with you, someone seen as not having a vested interest, can help smooth out the communication phase.
You Have Left Your Husband But Now Feel Like You Make a Mistake
So let’s say you have finally summoned up your courage and left your husband, but now you feel you have made a terrible mistake. What do you do?
Well, perhaps you did make a mistake.
But then again, maybe you didn’t and it is fear and anxiety that is gripping you.
That would not be unusual. I have counseled plenty of women who left their husband and then began questioning if they did the right thing.
It is normal for us to question ourselves after making a big decision. The little nagging insecure thoughts can easily find their way into our minds causing us to second guess if we did the right thing.
So if you start thinking this way, my advice is not to give into these thoughts. In time they will either go away or the proof on the ground (i.e. actual life experiences with your ex) will demonstrate that you indeed made a mistake.
But until such a thing materializes, simply stick with your plan.
Chances are that over time your choice to leave your marriage behind will be proven to be the right call.
You Left Your Husband, But What’s Next?
After you split up with your husband you need to take control of your life.
Before the two of your parted, your world revolved around the routines you both were a part of. Something else needs to replace those routines, otherwise you will find yourself drifting.
Consider sitting down someplace really pleasant and draw up a list of those things you would like to do (or do more of) that you believe will give you satisfaction.
After you and your husband break up, there may be these huge gaps in your day where you would have otherwise been around your husband. Maybe some of these things you did with or around him you enjoyed or maybe you hated every moment.
Whatever the case, it’s time for you to put your own spin on those parts of the day that you can now claim as your own and create a new and healthy routine.
You should also set some personal goals that you believe will be fulfilling. It is time now for you to embrace a new life and a new way of looking at things.
Shed the old you that was part of this other man’s life.
If you left your husband, chances are that he was holding you back. Now its your time.