We all come into our marriage with the notion that things will be sweet and wonderful.
If you are married, yet your wife does not seem happy, you must ask yourself is it something you are doing or is your wife’s lack of happiness caused by something largely outside your control.
It is not unusual for a couple to fall into a pattern such that their marriage becomes predictable.
These kind of patterns are called marriage routines and they can be healthy or not.
You can fall into certain routines that shape your life and ultimately your relationship.
Usually routines help with creating a sense of expectation and security in the marriage.
If your wife or girlfriend is going to be happy in marriage, you need to think about the kinds of experiences each of your are having together. And you also need to look at the whether you both have relationships and a life outside the marriage.
You can learn more about that here….
But sometimes routines, particularly if they are “relationship destructive” can contribute to the pressures on the marriage and ultimately the happiness levels.
As a result you may start to notice that your wife or girlfriend seems unhappy far too often and is seldom satisfied with anything you do or say.
It is in these situations that your mind can start racing as you try to figure out why you can’t seem to please your wife.
Every day I get communications from men looking to make things better with their lady…
I think she is in a bad place these days. How do I make my wife happy when she is angry and sad. We have lost our place in our marriage and need something to restart it.
How do I make her realize she is missing out on happiness? Every time I bring it up she thinks I am attacking her and accuses me of yelling at her. I am afraid she is giving up on me. How to make my wife love me again like she use to is my biggest challenge, I think.
Chris, do you think the key to improving her mood is sex? Do I focus on making my wife happy in bed? Is that the way I need to impress my wife and snap her out of her doldrums?
Why Can’t I Please My Wife?
Do you ever feel like your marriage has devolved such that you find yourself thinking “everything I do seems wrong to my wife”.
It must feel like a big dark cloud hanging over the marriage when you realize your wife is unhappy with her life?
And I hear it from guys everyday…
Chris, my wife and I are in a big hole. She is not happy with me anymore. I don’t know where it all went wrong. Half the time I think it’s all me that is at fault. Other times I feel she needs to take responsibility for making herself happy. I don’t know what to do. Its frustrating because the harder I try the worse things seem to get in our marriage.
It is like a marriage gone haywire. I am pretty sure my wife is never happy no matter what I do. I don’t think I will be able to do anything to change her attitude as she seems dead set to end things.”
Chris I need you man. My girlfriend is not a happy camper and I am running out of ideas. I also wondering if what we have together is really right for us both. She is always looking to pick a fight and frankly acts like she is disgusted with me. I know I am not helping things because sometimes I can’t put up with it and my words just kind of fly out of my mouth. How do I make my girlfriend happy again? Give me some kind of plan to turn this around. Otherwise, I am sure the thing we have going here is going to come crashing down.
So what should you do if you wife seems unhappy with her life, with you, with just about everything?
As your wife’s husband you have a shared responsibility in making the relationship a happy one.
First you should know that you may not be the prime driver of your wife’s unhappiness. There could be other things that weigh on your wife’s mood. So don’t always assume you are at fault for her tears and her sour mood.
But let’s make this marriage and happiness issue a bit more complicated.
What if your wife doesn’t initially tell you she is unhappy? What do you do if you find her in the corner crying?
For starters, you should know that when you talk with her about what is going on, you can’t always depend on what you wife tells you.
She may not be ready to tell you the truth.
Deep inside she may want to, but she could be afraid.
What if her unhappiness stems from something she is embarrassed about?
She may not want to divulge that which is causing her pain and suffering. She may be a very private person or full of pride and wants to solve the problem on her own.
And that is OK if things get back on track soon and her mood improves. But more often than not, whatever is the cause can rear its head again causing her to fall victim again to whatever brought her down.
In most situations it is better when your wife is comfortable in telling you what troubles her. After all you are a couple and should be able to take on the big problems together.
Is My Wife Just Having a Temporary Mood Meltdown?
It may not be that big of an issue.
Your wife could be just having a temporary melt down and after some time, she will get her emotions back under control and will feel much better.
So don’t be too quick to judge whether your wife’s unhappiness is caused by your failings as a husband.
It may very well be a short-term blip on the marriage radar.
Then again, it could be something else more serious.
What if her sadness is brought on by a personal situation that she is not ready to share with you?
It could be that your wife is undergoing some unique stresses at work that is impacting her mood and these pressures are now showing up in how the two of you interact as a couple.
It is also possible your wife may be having a deep personal crisis unbeknownst to you.
Perhaps she wants to have children very badly, but you are hesitate to start a family.
Such a conflict can weigh on your wife to the extent that it impacts her emotional well-being.
It also possible your wife suffers from a form of mood disorder.
Now that may sound like an awful thing and may cause you to think, “Oh my god, my wife is bipolar”.
But in reality, the way the chemistry of our brain works and given all the different things that can impact our mood states, it is not unusual for your wife, or anyone for that matter, to go through periods in which happiness is replaced with a downcast mood or depression.
So as you can see, getting to the bottom of what might be causing your wife to act like she is unhappy or dissatisfied is key.
Is it being married to you that has caused your wife to be unhappy?
Or is it something that has less to do with you, but something else?
Get Your Wife To Talk About Her Feelings
Whatever is going on, you will need to get to the bottom of it eventually.
Usually it is not effective to just simply outright ask your wife, “So why are you so unhappy?”
Just posing such a question in such a broad and direct way can sometimes be interpreted as accusatory.
If you pressure her for answers, your wife may think you are trying to blame her for being unhappy.
Or what if your wife thinks she is plenty happy and your question comes at her from out of nowhere?
Maybe you misread her mood.
Then again, it is also possible your wife understands full well why she is not happy and is shocked the you don’t understand.
This happens often. Guys are often not very intuitive.
Just asking her the question full-out may remind her how disconnected you are to her moods and needs.
Indeed, she may be reminded in the worst way that YOU are the person that makes her feel sad and think to herself that “as usual my husband has no clue he is to blame for my mood”.
So it can be quite a mine field out there.
So seek to understand what your wife might be feeling or going through with great care and sensitivity.
So how do you accomplish that?
For starters, don’t rush it. Go slow. Little steps, coupled with lots of support and positivity is the way to go.
Remember, you own mood is like a mirror. Embrace her with an upbeat mood and kindness.
Let me repeat that last part.
A big dose of continuous kindness within a marriage heals so many wounds.
So consider just feeling out your wife through non verbal communication.
If you notice your wife or girlfriend seems unhappy, trying some simple gestures of support.
Sit next to her and say something nice. Touch her gently. Use your hand to brush aside her hair and tell her you love her and ask if there is anything you can do to help her.
Sometimes an indirect, open-ended question will allow her to open up and tell you what is going on inside her mind and heart.
Once you finally get down to the bottom of what is going on show that you understand.
Repeat the things you wife is saying and show empathy.
Make sure she knows you understand and let her know you are all about making her feel better.
Don’t react with negativity or defensiveness.
That is not the way you want to approach this moment.
You finally got your wife to pour out some truths that may be very difficult for her to talk about. This is not the time to slide back on her trust scale.
You would think it would be easy to solve whatever the problem is which causing your wife or girlfriend to be unhappy, but often it is not.
This is particularly the case if the source of her unhappiness is YOU.
Now I am not saying that you, her husband , set out to make her unhappy.
But there may be important parts of the marriage this is simply not jelling. Often, you may not fully understand that your wife is often complaining or seems distant because of your behavior. You may be so use to acting a certain way, you may not realize you are part of the problem.
You and your wife may be on a different wave lengths all together.
You might think things are going fairly well in the relationship. She may think the marriage is a mess.
This is not unusual but it doesn’t mean the two of you are over.
You also might come to see that your girlfriend (or wife) is unhappy but not realize the extent of her dissatisfaction. She may be holding back on sharing her true feelings.
This is not healthy in the long run and the sooner the two of your can get “real” about talking about your marriage, the better.
Not understanding her plight can exasperate the situation.
She may think you are completely out of touch with her needs and are unable to read her moods and come to her rescue.
This may cause her to feel fragile and frustrated.
We all want to be rescued from our unhappiness. If we can’t learn to do it by ourselves, then we need the help of a loved one.
What Can You Do To Reverse Your Wife’s Mood?
Once you are certain you understand the source of what is causing your wife to be so dissatisfied, then it’s time to put some solutions in place.
I tend to believe there are great benefits to be gained if you change the environment the two of you find yourself.
You have heard of the word “karma”, right.
Well, if there is a cloud hanging over the marriage then it probably follows that those dark storm clouds have been raining down upon the two of you in your home environment.
That is where a lot of fights start and end and those memories tend to hang over not just the marriage, but the actual home environment you live in.
So get out of the house to try to reset the mood and talk about the issues pressing down on your marriage.
A change of scenery could do wonders for your wife’s attitude and enable you to better kick start the discussion of the things that might need changing to help remedy the problem.
It could be something as simple as talking a walk through a nearby nature park or having a picnic someplace that is out and away from things.
As we discussed earlier, your wife’s mood may have little to do with you. Or maybe it has everything to do with the way the two of your connect.
Whatever the source of her unhappiness, there is a solution.
You must believe that and face the matter with a positive attitude and a sense that the relationship in which you and your wife have contributed so many lasting memories is well worth saving.